I wanna go to beed woth a nboy
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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