She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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