You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
I can't put those talents on a resume
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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