I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
