what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Randomize
