Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's shark week go big or go home
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
