I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
WHY DIDN'T ANYON E TELL ME SHE WAS SIXTEEN
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I will pee on everything he values.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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