Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Randomize
