just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
