And, I saw Emily's panties. How? She doesn't sit like a lady.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
Randomize
