Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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