Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
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