Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
