I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
I'm so high right now that I'm wearing gloves.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
