He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god
you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
