In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
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