so I ended up banging her last night
dude I remember her. You sure it was a her?
i don't even remember
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
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Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
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Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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