I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
My teacher just let our class out 30 minutes early, its a 50 minute class. He said the only thing we had to do was get fucked up tonight and have stories about it on Monday.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
after attempting to eat a candy cane bigger than my hand i have determined there's no way to eat this that doesn't seem erotic
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
