Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
You have problems? I'm 20 years old and i'm balding
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
He's coming over for beer and a movie, but I just don't know if he's interested.
Pathetic and sad. I should come over there and fuck both of you just to get the ball rolling.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
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