Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I have a big to do list for you. Number 1 - me. Number 2 - drink wine 3. Talk my ears off. 4. Me again
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
