I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
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She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
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He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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