It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
Randomize
