I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
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