I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Sex on roller skates
Floating mattress
Tie
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
You got into a heated argument about Frankenstein's intelligence while double fisting burritos from taco bell.
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
is that a dick in a sweater?
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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