You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
