Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
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