My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Randomize
