The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
