Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
I walk in and my roomie is fucking her bf while wearing lingerie and minnie mouse ears. Right in the childhood.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
