I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
Everyone says I win the strip club
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
