Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I love that we get drink and call each other crying. It's kind of our thing.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
