Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
