i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
