I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
