Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
