Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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