I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
I dont know if this is a good time to tell you but im actually a freshman.. not a senior
I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.
You sound pretty unsure about all of this.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Well, you started screaming "I dont know you GO AWAY" to your mom when she was holding your hair as you threw up in her garden.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
