running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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