Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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