i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
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