Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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