I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
Fuck you, I'm yelling at a mountain right now
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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