Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
