I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
Randomize
