Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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