i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
