I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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