He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Randomize
