tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
