insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
Randomize
