God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
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don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
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I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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