There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
Randomize
