If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
