Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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