Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
She's the barista slut.
eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
I settled on "Merry Christmas! Btw you may have chlamydia". I thought a nice holiday greeting would soften the blow
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
