dude i'm inner monologue high
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
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