mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
the cure to his relationship is in or around my vagina.
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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