I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Randomize
