Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
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