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Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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